There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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