I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
