she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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