How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
