Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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