I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
