she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
