Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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