I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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