I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
