I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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