I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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