I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
