I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
