I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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