God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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