Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
