i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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