if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
