If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
