guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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