I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize