god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
