hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
