Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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