ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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