you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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