he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
