I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
