You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
