The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Dicks are not precious.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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