Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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