Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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