worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
