I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
