I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
