I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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