Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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