All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
