I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
