I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Who died my cat blue again?
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