Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
