Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
