Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
as a side note pls kill me
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