Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
