i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
