I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
love makes seman taste better
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
