happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
