i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
