she was so not down for the gang bang
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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