Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Why did my mother make you get naked?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
