dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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