Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Who died my cat blue again?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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