Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
