3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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