Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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