The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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