I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
