hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize