My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
