have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
