worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
