I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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