My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
