I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
